I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
