I want to walk on stilts...naked
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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