why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
