This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
