Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
