i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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