We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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