I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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