good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
