i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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