see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
