dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
