did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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