Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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