my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
