sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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