Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
3 2 1 whiskey
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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