I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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