i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
