All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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