I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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