If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
