Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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