I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize