I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
