i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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