Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
