All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
