Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
