well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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