I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
