i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
