And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
