I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
