I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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