my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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