i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
