I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
