can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
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