My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he fucked my hip out of place.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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