Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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