you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
