I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
