I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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