I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
