i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
