I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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