My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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