i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
