I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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