my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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