her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
