This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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