Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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